- Published: Monday, 22 April 2019 00:32
Of all the hard liquors on the planet, the one variety that needs freezer labels the most happens to be made of one of the world's favorite vegetables—potatoes. While the Irish used 'em for jack o' lanterns and Americans eventually used them to invent potato chips and the Belgians the misnamed French fry, clever Russians figured out that even potatoes could be fermented and distilled into a new type of white lightning.
But we digress. Back to labels! Why are freezer labels ideal for vodka, you ask? Because many people put their vodka in their freezers, with all that moisture and rough ice, to make it more viscous and concentrated. This helps improve the flavor. But it takes much lower temperatures to make it freeze, so forget pure vodkasicles unless you happen to have some liquid nitrogen lying around.
By the way, did you hear the one about the Korean dictator who tried to sneak 90,000 bottles of vodka into his country under an airplane by way of China, but got caught? The punchline is that it really happened in March 2019. Kim Jong Un, despite a ban on sales of such things to North Korea, has brought in $4 billion worth of foreign luxuries since taking power in 2011. Either his own country is too poor to produce luxuries, or else he isn't very patriotic. (But that's just us being catty.)
The goodies he failed to import this time were Stolbovaya 200 mm hip-flask type bottles with, let's face it, some of the least-inspiring beverage labels we've seen in a while. They may as well have just painted the name on the bottles. (That was a well-informed professional opinion.) We may have to call Stolbovaya and offer them our services, especially if they keep selling booze on the DL to picky heads of state.
The smuggled shipment was detected due to some regrettable paperwork irregularities, a surprisingly mundane cause that had stopped in Rotterdam for inspection. Imagine the surprise of the Dutch when a routine look revealed about half a shipping container full of liquor boxes: 3,000, to be precise, each packed with 30 bottles of vodka. Since the bottles were the 200 mil kind, that comes to about 18,000 liters of vodka in rest-o-the-world units, or almost exactly 4,755 gallons in the USA. One imagines that might fill a fairly sizable above-ground pool, or at least serve as the basis of the world's largest Jell-O shot. Just be sure to freezer label it first, Kim!
Who knows what the Dutch did with it, but while they weren't 100 percent certain it was going to Kim Jong Un—they were able to cite only 90 percent certainty—now they're 100 percent certain he's not getting it!